Happy Birthday Jesus

Happy Birthday Jesus, originally uploaded by singaporegrrl.

Merry Christmas y'all!

Photo of Stahlman Lumber in Houston, TX.

Christmas universe

Christmas universe, originally uploaded by Kelvin_Leong.

27 weeks and oh so glam

photo by Albert Hughes III

Wore my lovely purple glam wedding party night dress to the office Christmas partay last Friday.

The last time I wore this dress, we were in Turks and Caicos. This dress has led a very glamourous life!

26.5 weeks

So we're back to the miracle.

Ray and I had returned from Singapore. We were going forward with our mission. I had bloodwork done the day after we returned. A week or so later I went in to have an HSG which is a test where dye is injected into your uterus, ahem, if you have one, and a radiologists looks via x-ray at where the dye is flowing to see if there any blockages in your fallopian tubes. Oh and they let you watch too.

I was nervous about the test, but it turned out to be no biggie. It was uncomfortable, but not painful. The radiologist chick said that I had good looking fallopian tubes and uterus. I thanked her and told her I worked hard for them.

I was relieved to hear that all my parts were looking good. I had a follow up with my specialist doc to go over the bloodwork and result of the HSG. She said that everything was normal. We went over the next steps: a different set of meds to make me have a cycle, then when I start, another set of meds that would stimulate ovulation. I would have to come back during the potential ovulation dates for ultrasound of the ovaries to see if they're ripe. If they are, then two options:

1. IUF - in utero fertilization. Essentially, they get a sample, separate it out, doc said that they would put the prettiest and the fastest swimmers together, and then that sample is delivered as close to the egg as possible. Go for the gold, boys!

2. Try naturally.

Jeez.

Even writing about it now makes me cringe.

I was not looking forward to these next steps. They just seemed so clinical and unnatural. The med that I would have to take is a chemo drug being used off-label. I did not want to do that. I was so expecting for everything to get harder and more expensive and to fail in the end.

After the test result review appointment, they had me do a blood pregnancy test. Negative.

It's June 26, 2008. I go home to wait for my period to start. Not literally but you know what I mean.

I'm due July 4. Nothing, which isn't unusual. I feel like I'm about to start so I wait a week for good measure.
Nothing. I'm not surprised. I still feel like I'm about to start so I wait another week.

One thing I do remember is I noticed that I seemed to have some new veins visible across my chest. I've always been able to see the veins on my chest, but this seems new.

I have medicine to take to make me bleed (without ovulating). Before I can start that medicine, I have to take a home pregnancy test.

Sunday, July 22, 2008, just after 7 in the morning. Pee on the stick and mooch about waiting for it to be ready. Pet Mia while I wait. Got my little stopwatch going cos I have to be precise. Instructions say two minutes, I wait two minutes.

Two minutes up and I look at the thing and it has a plus sign. I don't understand. I look at the instructions. I look at the test. I look at the pictures on the instructions and I look at the test.

I go back into the bedroom and say "Raymond. Get up. You need to see this." He glides out of bed and follows me into the bathroom.

I show him the plus sign. He looks at the paper and the test.

"What does this mean?"

"It says I'm pregnant."

"You need to call your doctor."

"I can't call today. It's Sunday. I'm going to take another test."

"No. Don't do that."

"Why?"

"In case it's not the same result"

"Rubbish. I have to wait, I don't have any more pee."

So we go about our Sunday morning. I'm instantly nauseous (nerves) and jittery.

Later in the morning, I take another pregnancy test and had the same result.

OMG.

What does this mean? How is this possible? I haven't ovulated without medical assisstance since Jan of 2007.

On Monday I call my regular doc. They are excited and tell me to call my specialist doctor. I call the specialist doctor and they want me to come in for a blood test. I go over lunch.

The doctor's office calls me on Tuesday and says the result is positive and they want me to come in right way for an ultrasound. I go and they do an ultrasound. The radiologist isn't allowed to talk to you. She's poking around. I'm straining my neck to see what she's looking at. I can't make out jack.

She switches mode on the machine and then there's sound. WTF is that? She's poking around, poking. And then it happens.

"Is that the heartbeat?"

"Yes"

"Is it OK?"

"It's hard to pinpoint because it's so small."

"Oh"

OMG!!!

After the ultrasound, I have to wait to see the doctor to go over it.

After forfuckingevah she comes out beaming, "how do you feel?"

"Stunned."

She's very pleased, confirms the pregnancy and shows me the ultrasound photos of the lil" peanut. She calculates that I'm at 6 weeks which confuses Ray and I to no end given the timing of the HSG and the blood pregnancy test but whatevah! We have photographic evidence!

Then she says, "it's too early to tell, but there is a chance that it may be identical twins."

Are you fucking kidding me? What crack is this woman smoking at work?

"What? It's too much..."

"it's too early to tell, don't get too attached to that idea"

"OK"

And I float out of there with my peanut pictures and go back to work.

And act "normal".

Now that my brain knows my body is pregnant, it tells my body to be nauseous and starving at the same time. I'm tired and going to bed at 8. I'm trying to conceal this but I'm sure I'm doing a piss poor job.

Two weeks later I go back to see the doc, they do another ultrasound and confirm that it's NOT twins.

Doc is happy and sends us back to regular doc for follow up.

And so I'm released into the wild with this amazing thing that happened. Ray and I are in shock. It takes about a month for us to come to terms with all that has happened.

I still have moments where I can barely believe what happened.

It's weeks before we tell anyone, even our family. Well now, everyone knows.

Proof that I can be a good wife

Here's proof! Breakie in bed for hubhub on his birthday a couple of weeks ago. :)

25.5 Weeks

I had the sudden inclination to read a blog that I used to follow but haven't visited in months. I was really excited when I read that the blog author is pregnant cos, you know, I'm pregnant! She's about as far along as I am. I haven't read her blog in over a year so I had to go back and read the archives - the pre-wedding honeymoon, the wedding, their journey to getting pregnant.

This is the part that really spoke to me. Ol' grrl's path was very similar to mine. I know I'm not the only person going through whatever I'm going through but actually reading someone else's story has made me feel connected with her (not in a creepy cyber stalker kind of way, in a woman to woman kind of way). Ray wants me to reach out to her, but that would be creepy and cyber stalkery, don't you think?

So instead, I decided to blog, cos nobody reads this thing anyway (fingers crossed hoping nobody will actually read it cos it's way personal)

Ray and I were married in 2005. We decided to start (secretly) trying in Jan 2007. I'll be honest, I was terrified at the prospect of being preggo; being a mom to another human (as opposed to dog or cat), and in the back of my mind, I always knew that I would have trouble.

I went off the pill, had one cycle and then nothing. Eight weeks, ten weeks pass and nothing and definitely not preggo. So begins the journey of doctor visits, blood work; wait and see and medicines. The initial diagnosis was Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome which wasn't cool but at least I had validation for the feelings that I had about feeling that it would be difficult getting pregnant.

In October of 2007, we started a new medicine, to see if this would get us on the way. Again, mentally, I wasn't ready. We had three cycles of this medicine but nothing, so we went back to the Doc in Jan 2008. At this point, it's been a year of secretly trying with no luck. My doc wanted to have Ray's boys checked out. He was mortified. I knew that there was nothing wrong with his stuff. I knew that it was all me. As expected, his boys checked out just fine. Ray was totally relieved.

After a year, I'm feeling pretty broke down. People everywhere are getting pregnant and it was really difficult for me to deal with. 2007 ended with my mom in hospital and a conversation with her on new year's eve where she was essentially saying goodbye to me. Her health continued to roller coaster through the beginning part of 2008. Emergency phone calls, repeat admission to hospital. Dealing with that and the pressure of trying to conceive - it was just too much. I had completely lost all faith - in myself, in my body, in the universe.

Ray was also going through his own health issues that culminated in a trip to the ER. We were both fucking basket cases. Just a fucking disaster.

My regular doctor had referred us to a Reproductive Endocrinologist to suss me out. Great. Now I get to go the specialist doctor where all the broke down women go. Which by the way is right across the hall from where all the "sat on the public toilet seat and got preggo" or "looked at my husband's penis and got preggo" normal ladies doctor's office is.

More bloodwork, more very expensive tests. All results were normal. In the middle of it we sucked it up and went to Singapore in May.

Seeing my parents was definitely very sobering. My mom's health is definitely poor and it has taken a toll on my dad and the rest of family. It was a weird visit. The day we left to come back to Houston, my mom was admitted into hospital again for the fourth time in 2008.

Fuck.

Back in Houston, there are daily phone calls to Singapore; another phone conversation with my mom where she asks me if I understand that she's dying.

I'm just totally shattered. How is anyone supposed to cope with all that shit? Seriously?

Finally (June 2008) my mom is stabilised physically and mentally and finally embarking on a route that will eventually get her back to where she needs to be. She is soooooooo much better now and we are so grateful.

During this time, there are more doctor visits and another very expensive (read as "not covered by insurance") test. All results are still normal.

Around this time, I also remember exclaiming in dramatic despair to Ray that it would take a fucking miracle for me to get pregnant.

Well, turns out that's exactly what happened. I will get into that another day though.