Sunday, December 07, 2008

25.5 Weeks

I had the sudden inclination to read a blog that I used to follow but haven't visited in months. I was really excited when I read that the blog author is pregnant cos, you know, I'm pregnant! She's about as far along as I am. I haven't read her blog in over a year so I had to go back and read the archives - the pre-wedding honeymoon, the wedding, their journey to getting pregnant.

This is the part that really spoke to me. Ol' grrl's path was very similar to mine. I know I'm not the only person going through whatever I'm going through but actually reading someone else's story has made me feel connected with her (not in a creepy cyber stalker kind of way, in a woman to woman kind of way). Ray wants me to reach out to her, but that would be creepy and cyber stalkery, don't you think?

So instead, I decided to blog, cos nobody reads this thing anyway (fingers crossed hoping nobody will actually read it cos it's way personal)

Ray and I were married in 2005. We decided to start (secretly) trying in Jan 2007. I'll be honest, I was terrified at the prospect of being preggo; being a mom to another human (as opposed to dog or cat), and in the back of my mind, I always knew that I would have trouble.

I went off the pill, had one cycle and then nothing. Eight weeks, ten weeks pass and nothing and definitely not preggo. So begins the journey of doctor visits, blood work; wait and see and medicines. The initial diagnosis was Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome which wasn't cool but at least I had validation for the feelings that I had about feeling that it would be difficult getting pregnant.

In October of 2007, we started a new medicine, to see if this would get us on the way. Again, mentally, I wasn't ready. We had three cycles of this medicine but nothing, so we went back to the Doc in Jan 2008. At this point, it's been a year of secretly trying with no luck. My doc wanted to have Ray's boys checked out. He was mortified. I knew that there was nothing wrong with his stuff. I knew that it was all me. As expected, his boys checked out just fine. Ray was totally relieved.

After a year, I'm feeling pretty broke down. People everywhere are getting pregnant and it was really difficult for me to deal with. 2007 ended with my mom in hospital and a conversation with her on new year's eve where she was essentially saying goodbye to me. Her health continued to roller coaster through the beginning part of 2008. Emergency phone calls, repeat admission to hospital. Dealing with that and the pressure of trying to conceive - it was just too much. I had completely lost all faith - in myself, in my body, in the universe.

Ray was also going through his own health issues that culminated in a trip to the ER. We were both fucking basket cases. Just a fucking disaster.

My regular doctor had referred us to a Reproductive Endocrinologist to suss me out. Great. Now I get to go the specialist doctor where all the broke down women go. Which by the way is right across the hall from where all the "sat on the public toilet seat and got preggo" or "looked at my husband's penis and got preggo" normal ladies doctor's office is.

More bloodwork, more very expensive tests. All results were normal. In the middle of it we sucked it up and went to Singapore in May.

Seeing my parents was definitely very sobering. My mom's health is definitely poor and it has taken a toll on my dad and the rest of family. It was a weird visit. The day we left to come back to Houston, my mom was admitted into hospital again for the fourth time in 2008.


Back in Houston, there are daily phone calls to Singapore; another phone conversation with my mom where she asks me if I understand that she's dying.

I'm just totally shattered. How is anyone supposed to cope with all that shit? Seriously?

Finally (June 2008) my mom is stabilised physically and mentally and finally embarking on a route that will eventually get her back to where she needs to be. She is soooooooo much better now and we are so grateful.

During this time, there are more doctor visits and another very expensive (read as "not covered by insurance") test. All results are still normal.

Around this time, I also remember exclaiming in dramatic despair to Ray that it would take a fucking miracle for me to get pregnant.

Well, turns out that's exactly what happened. I will get into that another day though.

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Blogger Dot said...

Er, I feel like I'm stalking you now because I'm reading when it sounds like I'm not supposed to be? CONGRATS!!! I'm very happy for you and your fam. This will be a beautiful journey!

11:51 PM  
Blogger Riley & Tiki said...

We had no idea this had been so difficult for you. Special congratulations!

10:18 AM  
Blogger singaporegrrl said...

Thank you all for your sweet comments. I'm a little embarrassed but I'll get over it!

1:50 PM  
Blogger Eloy said...

Oh no, I read this. For some moments there are no words, but I wouldn't know any better.

I knew you were a rock star, just didn't realize your domain was so big.

7:59 PM  

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