Monday, April 20, 2009

So not crazy

OK. I've decided that I'm not crazy, well, at least not that crazy.

I just read "It sucked and then I cried: How I had a baby, a breakdown and a much needed margarita" (cover to cover in three days) by Heather Armstrong. Now *that* woman was crazy (certifiable) but oh so brave in her insanity. (Thank you Heather)

It's been five weeks since Kiran was born and I can honestly say that I was completely not prepared for the absolute horror of postpartum. ABSOLUTE HORROR.

If you ask me now about having a baby, I will say DON'T DO IT people! RUN! Run away!

No one can really prepare you for what it is really like. I can't even describe it. I don't think I have a bad baby or a colicky baby. I think I have a normal baby. Normal newborn babies scream. All. The. Time.

Yeah, you're thinking you know that babies scream, but unless you've actually had a child, there's just no way to express how the screaming, the what seems like non-stop screaming makes you feel.

Well, let me tell you, it makes you feel like you want to punch babies (no babies have EVER been punched by me) and that makes you ca-ray-zee. That makes you scream and slam doors and cry. And then feel guilty for slamming doors and crying and feeling crazy. As well as for wanting to return the baby, except that there's no one to return her to because she is yours. Which of course just leaves you feeling like a horrible shell of a woman masquerading as a mother.

Well now.

On the bright side, my horrid rash has left me. The doctors didn't know what caused it but I do. Obviously, I'm allergic to screaming newborn babies.

The screaming has gotten less and now there new more gentle sounds and sometimes, sometimes, there's a beautiful, pure smile that makes you forget about the screaming for a little while.

The other thing that could help you forget is a drink. Or well maybe a while lotta drinks. But I can't have a drink because I have elevated liver enzymes which are supposedly unrelated to the rash but I really think it is. I hope these enzymes go down so I can have a glass of wine or at least a Tylenol for fuck's sake.

You know that's not too much to ask., now is it?

So there you have it, people. I'm just a little bit crazy.


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Blogger Derby said...

{{{{{HUGS}}}} to you Kiran mum's. Being a bean mom to a real baby bean is so much different than being a kittie mom.

Too bad baby's don't come with instructions, but you and she will do fine and grow together.


7:27 PM  
Blogger singaporegrrl said...

Derbs! You're the best. Thank you for the kind words. Just what I needed to hear. Scritches to you.

7:53 PM  
Blogger Riley & Tiki said...

Sending you purrs. Being a Mom is tough.

8:50 PM  
Blogger Jonti said...

I kinda love your craziness. Wrapped up in all that love and miracles of baby's, is some really rough stuff. Hang in there, dream of a glass of red wine, and remember she won't break. Beanmom's and babies survive all manner of events.

BTW, i can't even manage the plant that is dying a slow. painful. death march in my office. Ugh. I may not be the best to offer advice. Heh.

Wishing you green lights for every trip.

9:23 AM  
Blogger Jerri said...

Well, we finally have proof that you are not a robot. Now, lets go get some margaritas at Cafe Adobe!

9:43 AM  
Anonymous Fayza said...

I'm getting my tubes tied. Tomorrow.

In the meantime, every new day is a step away from dementia! This is the good news!

10:03 PM  

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